you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
