I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
