Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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