what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
