You don't have asthma, your pregnant
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
