Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize