I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
They are going to name an STD after you.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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