Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Say something about gay babies.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
