I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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