I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
