I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
