Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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