I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
