I think my vagina is haunted
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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