Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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