my phone needs a breathalizer
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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