Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
