In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize