i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
