im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
