After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So much rum. So many feels.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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