he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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