When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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