Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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