I wish you could order shots online.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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