apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
