Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
