i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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