i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
