He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I smell stomach acid.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize