The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
