Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
