Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
