Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
