I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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