I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
