I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We are all done wearing pants today
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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