Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
