just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
