My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
