If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
