At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
