Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
