Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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