Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
