Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
