Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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