areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
