seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
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