dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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