If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
