i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
