If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
