Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
