are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
