Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize