Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
