Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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