He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
