i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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