Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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