i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
