Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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