My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
he just fucked me for my cheese.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
