my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
