Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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