I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
