My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
